Celebrities- They're Just Like Us!

If you follow celebrity news as ardently as I do, you probably already know Selena Gomez has lupus.

But because I realize not everyone keeps up with the Kardashians and checks TMZ on the regular, let me catch you up. About a year or so ago, Selena Gomez (former Disney star, current pop star, for the truly uninitiated reader) went on the Ellen Show and announced that the reason she’d been MIA from the spotlight was that she’d been undergoing chemotherapy to treat her lupus. It also explained the weight gain that paparazzi and some rude 12 year olds had been hounding her for. “Selena Gomez has lupus” made headlines for a few days, and then everyone by-and-large stopped discussing it.

Until now–– Selena’s autoimmune disease has twitter abuzz again because she’s taking time off of her tour because of it. I commend anyone who chooses to go through their chronic illness in such a public forum, whether it’s educating a stranger at a party or educating millions of fans via Instagram. But Gomez is taking it one step further in my mind and making it all that much more admirable.

The singer’s statement doesn’t just say she’s taking time off due to physical symptoms, but rather specifies that she’s struggling with anxiety, panic attacks, and depression, all of which have stemmed from her disease. She easily could’ve pinned her problems on strictly physical stress, but she’s going one step forward and tackling the mental health stigma while she’s at it.

I have a hard enough time dealing with the trials and tribulations of a chronic illness, and I work a normal 9-5 and spend most of my free time resting. I can’t imagine the toll a world tour would take on someone with an autoimmune disease. And with that physical toll, as any sick person can tell you, comes a mental hurdle that can be even tougher to clear.

When you’re sick, it’s hard not to be anxious–– you have to think about everything. Any scenario that might happen has to be planned for. There’s also anxiety present in the fear of letting others down: is my sickness making my friends and family’s lives harder? And there’s the ever-present anxiety over what people think of you: do they think I’m talking about my illness for attention? Do they think I should be pushing myself harder to be normal? Do they think my illness is my fault?

For a celebrity, I imagine the fear of what people are thinking and saying about you is magnified on a global scale. And while I just sit here and wonder if people are saying something bad, Selena Gomez can pick up a tabloid and see the things they’re saying about her.

And when all of that anxiety and physical illness compounds on itself, it’s no wonder that so many chronic illness patients deal with depression. Having to put your life (or your successful world tour) on pause because you’re too sick can make you feel pretty hopeless. It’s easy to go down a mental black hole and think you’ll never get out.

But here’s why Selena’s case is relevant to everyone–– she’s doing the exact best thing she can be in this scenario. She’s listening to her body and mind and taking time to rest, even when I’m sure doing so was a difficult decision. She’s refusing to let expectations dictate her health. And not only that, she’s being open about her experience. Rather than claiming exhaustion or hiding behind some PR-spin excuse, she’s sharing her experience with lupus (and the mental illness that goes with it) with her fans and the world.

I heard that after her announcement, searches for “what is lupus?” went up exponentially. The more people with a platform use it to create awareness for autoimmune disease, the less patients have to suffer. So if you’re feeling braver than usual and want to educate others on your illness, channel your inner-Selena Gomez. Just don’t run out and try to date Justin Bieber, okay? Kid seems like bad news.

Friends With (Medical) Benefits

When you’re chronically ill, it’s easy to get caught up in your own stuff. When you spend most of your days in some level of pain and discomfort, it’s easy to think you’re the only one struggling. But lately I’ve been thinking more about how my struggles with Crohn’s affect the people around me, and the ways caring about a sick person can make you feel kind of helpless.

While having a chronic illness is definitely a huge daily challenge, I can also easily see the challenge that comes from seeing someone you love sick with no light at the end of the tunnel. That’s why I don’t get offended (or at least I try not to) when people ask if I’m better. While I’ve come to terms with the fact that I will never be “better” by traditional standards, I can’t necessarily expect my loved ones to come to that acceptance so quickly.

Luckily I’ve been surrounded by some exceptionally supportive people. My friends and family prove to me every day that even if not everybody “gets it,” I am at the very least blessed with people who care enough to try. I could easily write a novel about the many ways in which these people have helped me, and I hope I tell them enough how appreciative I am of them.

Kelsey (front and center) has been my best friend since I was 10, and she does  things like having her whole PA class wear purple for World IBD Day because she is a better friend than any human deserves.

So for anyone with a chronically ill person in their life, here’s the best advice I can give you on how to be a good friend to a sick person, as evidenced so flawlessly by my wonderful best friends.

Listen up. Honestly, the biggest thing you can do is provide a commiserating ear. One of the biggest issues I deal with in terms of my illness is guilt–– guilt that I’m bothering the people I love with my complaints about my symptoms. But when you’re going through a patch of bad health, new symptoms can seem like they’re popping up every day, and it gets incredibly lonely if you have no one to vent to. Luckily, I have a few friends who I know I can text no matter what with unsolicited complaints such as “My joint pain is making it hard to eat my cereal. Send help.”

Don’t Question Limitations. Listen–– people with chronic illnesses probably already feel guilty about the various accommodations they need. So if they tell you they can’t spend long amounts of time out in the heat, or that they need a certain amount of rest between activities, don’t question them or pressure them to push through.

Be a cheering up squad. People with chronic illnesses often suffer from depression, because having a chronic illness sucks. It isolates you and makes you feel like you aren’t in control of your own body or life. I’m very good at hiding my own bouts of sadness because I don’t want to burden anyone. That being said, it means the world when a friend sees through the facade and realizes I’m in need of some encouragement–– whether that means a care package from my mom or a nice note (I adore snail mail.) My best friend Sarah recently brought me back a stuffed Baymax from Disney World, and I was so freaking touched to have my own personal healthcare companion that I pretty much tear up every time I look at him.

Not only do I have my own Baymax friend, but I have evidence of his adventures at Disney!

Celebrate small victories. For the average person, going on a walk or staying up past 10 isn’t an accomplishment. But for a chronically ill person, these little things can be huge. I recently got the okay from my doctor to taper off my steroids, and my best friend Kelsey has texted me every. single. day. To wish me a happy taper day 5, or 7, or what have you. It means the world to know that someone cares enough to check in, and also that someone else gets how exciting this seemingly small step is for me.

If you’re grossed out, don’t show it. I have Crohn’s disease. Gross stuff happens. A good week for me during this flare involves not having internal bleeding. There are plenty of people in my life that I have to lie to in order to spare them from the unfortunate GI symptoms that are my daily life. You know who I don’t have to do that with? My best friends. If they ask me to hang out and I can’t because of some strategically gross Crohn’s symptoms, I now send them this video and no more questions are asked.

Show up. The amount of friends and family who came out to my CCFA walk was overwhelming and lovely. The amount of friends who have given up a Saturday night to watch movies with me on my couch until I fall asleep at 8 PM is heartwarming. I’m of the opinion that bar-hopping friends come and go, but the people who will hang out with you when you aren’t very fun are forever.

So if you’re the friend or family member of someone with a chronic illness, know that we love you. We love you when you get it, we love you when you don’t exactly get it, and we even love you when pain-induced insomnia makes us cranky jerks. So thanks for being extra kind in a world that needs it. And to my sister–– thanks for the cookies.

"It's The Little Things" And Other True Cliches

I have always been a weirdly ambitious person.

As a child of six, I used to tell my parents that I was going to be so successful one day that they’d need to name a new unit of money after me. Six year old me was a tiny capitalist dictator.  While normal little girls wanted to be Cinderella or a doctor or something, I wanted to be Oprah Winfrey. I wanted my own television show, my own magazine, my own empire. I used to set an alarm on summer mornings so I could be up to watch Oprah every day, taking diligent mental notes on how to become the most powerful woman in the world.

So I’m kind of a total Slytherin.

As I grew up, the dreams obviously changed, but were still always pretty grandiose. At age 24, my biggest life goal would be to write and produce my own sitcom. So you know, just your average Midwestern girl’s normal dreams.

Things Oprah and I have in common: loving bread.

I’ve been slowly but surely working toward those dreams for a long time now. I worked my ass off in school, took every writing-adjacent opportunity I could, and volunteered on live productions on the regular. I graduated college and got a job where I get paid actual money to write. I may not be Shonda Rhimes or Mindy Kaling yet, but the plan is moving along, okay?

But what happens to an aggressively ambitious person with big old dreams when that brain happens to be trapped in an arguably broken body?

When you have a chronic illness, it can really knock you on your ass without notice. It’s not something you can feasibly plan for. So when you’re trying to make plans for your life, it’s hard to do. You want to take a sick internship in New York that would open doors for your future or go travel across Asia for the experience of it, but you also know there’s a chance your disease could flare up out of the blue and ruin your well-laid plans.

My solution? Stop planning.

It’s an imperfect solution, I know. It would probably help me take over the world a la Oprah one day if I could do a bit more strategic career planning. But I deal with the hand I’ve been dealt, which sometimes means prioritizing getting through the day over getting through the next ten years and becoming a badass network mogul.

But you know what? Letting go of the plan has done wonders in making me a calmer, happier person. It may sound cheesy, but I’m learning every day how to value the little things over the big things. I know now that I don’t need millions of dollars or heaps of international praise to be happy or feel successful. What I actually need is good friends, a new book, and a colorful mug of some variety of fruity tea. And most days, that’s enough.

So while the cunning Slytherin in me cringes at the idea of “just enjoying the little things!” I’m learning that success can be defined in different ways based on your circumstances. Taking care of my mind and body can be a huge success if I let myself consider it one. Taking over the world one hit television show at a time? Definitely also success, but maybe a type of success I’m okay with working my way to more slowly.

I Go To Therapy. Is That Supposed to be a Secret?

Un-fun fact: a lot of people who suffer from chronic illness also struggle with depression and anxiety.

The actual numbers on it vary so I’m not going to throw any highly scientific stats at you, but suffice it to say, physical and mental illness often go hand in hand. Some people are already predisposed to chemical imbalances in the brain like anxiety and depression. For others, the stress of being diagnosed with and coping with an incurable illness is the trigger.

I’m somewhere in the middle of those two types of people. This is not my first therapy rodeo. I’ve gone on and off since I was a kid and my parents got divorced. I went in college when I developed panic disorder. I’ve started back up again going now to deal with the day-to-day garbage that being sick does to my brain.

And by “does to my brain,” I’m not talking about the physical. Crohn’s disease doesn’t actively rot my cerebellum or anything, but it is a lot easier to go down a hole of dark thoughts when you’re faced with a lifetime of meds, doctor visits, and expensive copays. So what’s a professional sick patient to do?

Day-to-day relaxation methods include coloring and sassy mugs.

Talk to someone! For some, it’s enough to just talk with friends and family about how they’re feeling from time to time. For others, an actual, trained therapist can do more to help. Thanks to my latest flare I found myself repeatedly thinking: this is so unfair. Why can’t I go out and get drinks and real food with my friends? Why can’t I plan a trip knowing I’ll be in good enough health to go? Why am I so tired from doing basic tasks like carrying groceries? Why do I have to spend so much disposable income on a CT scan for a disease that I didn’t ask for?

And when those thoughts come, I know it’s time to seek out the big guns. And that it’s also maybe time to start dating a radiology tech for free medical care, if I can swing that. There’s such a stigma to seeking mental health care in our world: people think it makes them weak, or that it implies some kind of defeat. I personally think taking charge of your mental health is one of the most important and brave things you can do. And the more we all talk about it, the more we normalize it and make it okay for others to seek out help when they need it. People aren’t meant to be islands–– it’s okay to need a little help sometimes. Or a lot of help.

And while friends and family are awesome, there are actual professionals out there who specialize in helping people deal with the repercussions of chronic illness. When it comes to physical illness, your body can really be affected by your mind. Crohn’s disease specifically can be made worse by stress, which is a pretty cruel and unusual never-ending cycle. So if you think about it, you can’t really effectively treat the body without also treating the mind.

Cat pillows are also great for my mental health.

One kink in this plan that I do have to address, though, is cost. The state of mental health care in the United States, at least, is pretty abysmal. People (ahem, insurance companies) don’t prioritize it the way they should, so care is often prohibitively expensive–– hard to deal with when you’re already stressed about paying your other medical bills. That being said, there are other (free or cheap) resources you can seek out to talk to someone. There are hotlines to call and support groups both online and at a number of hospitals and medical centers. If you’re a student, mental health care is often free on campus. Some really nice employers even offer assistance programs where you can get a certain number of counseling sessions for free!

So while a lot of people might feel uncertain or embarrassed talking about going to therapy, I don’t think it needs to be some big state secret where I make up an elaborate lie about how I’m going to Bingo every Thursday night. Just like my medication infusions, or my check ups, or my trips to get blood work, therapy is one of the many tools in my arsenal I have in the fight against chronic illness. And it’s a damn good one, if I do say so myself.